From Darkness to Light
by CMlvr93
Summary: Set right after 'The Big Game' and 'Revelations'. Centered on JJ and how she deals with the aftermath of it and how she thinks everyone blames her for what happened to Reid. WARNING: Self Injury
1. Chapter 1

**This is set right after 'The Big Game' and 'Revelations'. Centered on JJ and I think it's pretty different than anything I've written before so I hope you like it! :)**

**I will update 'Her Secret' eventually. It's just taking me a while. And I'm working a sequel for 'Reid, the Genius'. :)**

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 1

Jennifer "JJ" Jareau hadn't gotten any sleep in weeks. Every night when she'd finally drift off the neighbor's dog would start barking, bringing her dreams of cornfields, an old barn, dogs with sharp teeth barking crazily, and blood. Blood everywhere she looked until finally the neighbor's dogs would wake her from her sleep, save her from her nightmares only to bring her to another. A new all too real nightmare, this one filled with sleepless nights, work filled days, and friends who are starting to worry, starting to notice, and the knowledge that sooner or later make-up won't be able to hide the dark circles under her eyes and she would eventually have to talk to them. To explain her guilt…like they didn't already know.

J.J. sprang up in her bed, sitting there in the darkness after looking at her clock, seeing that it had only been a half hour since she went to bed. She rested her head on her knees after pulling her legs to her chest and closed her eyes, listening as the dogs kept barking. Why did they have to get a dog? She thought, wondering why the sweet old couple who lived next door and had always been so nice to her had decided to get a dog. And not just any dog, no, they had gotten two dogs, two very small dogs that apparently liked to bark. And why did they have to get them so soon after that case, after Georgia? She thought as she got up and headed towards the living room to stare at the TV which had become her routine on nights like this.

It didn't start out this way though. At first she poured all of her energy into her work, even when she didn't have any left. She was getting her paperwork done so fast it would make Reid's head spin, but then she ran out of paperwork. J.J. had thought about doing other people's paperwork, but she knew that would really send up a red flag to her teammates and she considered taking some pills to help her sleep, but decided against it.

So Jennifer Jareau sat there in her home, alone, wondering how much longer she could do this, how many more cases she could work before finally breaking down, and how many more times she could face her teammates, her friends, knowing that they blamed her for what had happened.


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter's really short, but I'm pretty sure it's the shortest one of the 5 that I have done. **

**Also, in this story Gideon left right after 'Revelations' instead of at the end of the season. And Rossi hasn't joined the team yet. I just didn't write either of them in for some reason...lol**

**Thanks to DeviousRobynno and kdzl for reviewing the first chapter! **

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 2

Jennifer Jareau walked into the BAU bullpen at 7:00 that morning. She was early. Extremely early, even for her, but she was tired of watching pointless shows on TV where everything turned out ok and everyone was happy all the time. Hell, she was just plain tired and she knew they'd be able to tell. But she was just too tired to care anymore, too tired to hide it and if anyone asked her why she was there so early she'd simply tell them 'It's Monday so I'm sure I've got tons of new cases to look through.' and she'd say it with what she hoped could be mistaken for a genuine smile. Then she'd go to her office and stay there until she had to come out.

J.J. didn't know how much time had gone by, but the next thing she knew the bullpen was full of people, Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan, and Emily Prentiss, among them. They were her friends, as was Garcia and even Hotch. She had considered them family, but how could they not blame her for what had happened to Reid in Georgia? She knew it was her fault Tobias had taken him and she had spent many of her sleepless nights wondering why she let them split up and why she didn't just follow him when he went around the barn instead of going in by herself. The questions haunted her and her mind was full of what-ifs and how-comes. And what bothered J.J. the most was that not much had changed. Sure, Gideon left and Emily was still fairly new, but Reid had gotten over his drug addiction, which was yet another side effect from their trip to the Henkel farm, and things were starting to get back to normal. J.J. just wasn't so sure that her life could ever be completely back to the way it was.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to DeviousRobynno and kdzl for reviewing the last chapter! :)**

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 3

Jennifer Jareau still sat in her office on that Monday afternoon. She hadn't left her desk since she got there, but she knew she'd have to soon due to the briefing on their newest case. And J.J. knew she'd been acting for too long, pretending everything was ok for too many weeks and she also knew she couldn't hide it anymore, especially not with the new case.

This case, J.J. knew, would get to anybody, but especially her. The victims were children. Little girls with blonde hair who had been taken while walking to school, playing outside, or riding their bicycles. They were tortured, beaten, and stabbed before finally left to be finished off by a group of dogs trained to kill. Their lifeless bodies were then dumped by the sides of roads, in ditches, or vacant lots. Every time J.J. thought about what those dogs had done to those girls and every time she looked at one of the crime scene photos she would subconsciously touch her arm, moving her hand up and down the newly healed scar and her mind would take her back to that night. The night where she could have been ripped apart piece by piece just like the girls. The night that changed everything.

Aaron Hotchner walked out of his office to face the bullpen where most of his team was assembled, each sitting at their own desks, talking amongst each other. "We got a case. Conference room in five." he said, getting a nod from Derek Morgan and Emily Prentiss, each acknowledging that they understood. Hotch looked to Reid who seemed to be confused.

Dr. Spencer Reid looked up at his boss. "Hotch, what's wrong with J.J.?" He finally asked, worried about his friend. "I haven't seen her all day and she's usually the one to tell us about new cases."

"I don't know." Hotch said, sadly. "I was just going to check on her, make sure she's ready for the briefing." He walked over to their media liaison's office, knocking on her door when he reached it. Surprised by the fact that he didn't get a response, Hotch opened the door ever so slightly, sticking his head in and seeing J.J. sitting at her desk, staring at some pictures and what he assumed to be police reports on their newest case. He opened the door the rest of the way and stepped inside. "Hey." Hotch said quietly. J.J.'s head jerked up to look at her boss, obviously surprised that he was in her office.

When did he come in here? She thought. And hasn't he ever heard of knocking? "Hey." She said back, nervousness evident in her voice. "How long have you been in here?" She asked. "Sorry, I didn't hear you come in."

"It's ok. I just wanted to be sure you were ready for the briefing on the new case." Hotch said, silently profiling her as he watched her gather the files she needed for the case, wondering why she was so on edge and why she seemed to be acting differently, asking himself what could be wrong.

J.J. stood up, papers, files and pictures in her hands, looking at Hotch. "Ready." She said, with a smile that he could see didn't even come close to reaching her eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks to DeviousRobynno, kdzl, and for reviewing the last chapter!**

**And because I forgot to put it in the first chapter (and the second, and the third! lol) -**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, but it would be nice if I did! **

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 4

"This is Mackenzie Hughes." J.J. said while pointing to a picture of a little girl with long blonde hair and bright, blue eyes on the screen in the conference room.

Spencer Reid, Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, and Emily Prentiss were all assembled around the table in the center of the room and J.J. looked at them each individually just for a second before continuing. She knew this one was going to be bad, even more so than most of the other cases they had dealing with children. Finally, she continued, trying not to think about the victims or how she could have ended up in a similar state. She pushed her thoughts to the back of her mind, focusing on the case as she said "Mackenzie was abducted from her front yard in Springfield, IL about a month and a half ago." The picture on the screen changed to one of what they all assumed to be the same little girl, her small body bloody and bruised, barely recognizable. "Her body was found about two weeks later by the side of a local highway. Around the same time Samantha Weber disappeared. Her body was found a week later. And last week another girl disappeared. She fit's the description of the other two girls and local PD finally decided that they might have a serial offender."

"Two girls go missing and are found dead and they wait a week after the third one disappears to contact us?!" Morgan said, disgust and amazement in his voice and on his face.

It was then that J.J. thought maybe, just maybe if they were all so wrapped up in the new case they wouldn't notice how she did her best not to look at the crime scene photos, or how she seemed to space out, her mind going back to that night every time someone mentioned the dogs and what they had done to those little girls who had so much to live for. And she hoped to God that she wouldn't have to share a room with Emily this time, knowing that if she shared a room with her there would be no way she could hide the nightmares or the sleepless nights. Then a voice pulled her from her thoughts.

"J.J.!" Morgan said for the third time, more forcefully than before.

J.J. shook her head slightly, clearing her mind from her thoughts. "Sorry, what did you say?"

"I asked if they found any evidence on either of the bodies and you haven't told us what their cause of death was yet." Morgan said before looking her in the eye and asking "Are you ok? I said your name at least three times before you finally answered."

J.J. could feel the rest of the team's eyes on her and she knew they were all wondering the same thing. "I'm fine." she said. "I was just thinking about the case."

Her friends looked at each other, each coming to realize that J.J. might not be as 'fine' as she said she was.


	5. Chapter 5

**Another short chapter, but the next one is more than twice as long, I promise! :)**

**Thanks to xbexyboox, irismoon, ValleyGirlMeg, and DeviousRobynno for reviewing the last chapter!!! **

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 5

It was a cold fall day in Illinois when the plane carrying the BAU team landed. Jennifer 'J.J.' Jareau could see for miles out the window of the black SUV that was being driven by a local police officer taking them from the airstrip to the police station. Most of the fields had already been harvested, leaving nothing but bare strips of land between the occasional clump of trees and few houses they passed.

With each empty field or pasture they passed having been stripped of the life that once lived there, like a tree full of leaves and wildlife in the summer only to be left barren and alone in the winter, its summer inhabitants gone with the leaves to find a home better suited to their cold weather needs J.J. began to wonder if she could ever rebuild her life from the shattered pieces her nightmares, guilt and sleepless nights had left it. She wondered of the team could forgiver her, if Reid could forgive her for the torture he endured, but most of all she wondered if she could forgive herself.

"We found Justine Nevius's body this morning." The local cop, Detective Bowman said. Everyone just looked at him, waiting for him to continue. "Two boys on their way to school found her in a vacant lot near the sidewalk. She was like the others and I'm tired not only of what this guys doing to these girls, but he's leaving them where anyone can see them. Children shouldn't have to see what he's done."

"That's why we're here detective. We will find him." J.J. said from her seat in the back, attempting to comfort the older man and trying to push her own personal demons to the back of her mind and focus on the case.


	6. Chapter 6

**I'm very proud of this chapter, just the fact that I was able to write it and I hope that it will make sense to you and that you'll like it. It's very dark, more so than anything else I think I've ever written. J.J. may be a little out of character, but I thought it was something that would fit for this story...**

**It may take me a little longer to update now, because this is the last chapter that I have completely written, but I usually find some class at school everyday that I can work on it in.**

**So anyway, I'll shut up now and let you read it! lol Please tell me what you think...**

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 6

J.J. woke up, finding herself on the bathroom floor of her hotel room. Too many questions were flooding her mind as she attempted to hold onto the counter and pull herself up. How did I get here was the first thought to register in her brain and when she finally looked in the mirror everything came back.

Staring back at her from the other side of the glass was a person J.J. barely recognized. Her blonde hair was disheveled and her make-up smudged, but the one thing that instantly jogged her memory was the red, the blood that was all over her white shirt and was trickling down her left arm.

_Once Detective Bowman had driven the team into Springfield they had split up with J.J. and Hotch going to the morgue to see the body and talk to the parents while Morgan, Reid, and Emily went to the dump sites of the victims. Seeing pictures of the girls was one thing, but actually seeing what remained of the last little girl was something entirely different and it nearly made J.J. sick. Justine's small body had been ripped apart, her clothes blood stained and her long blonde hair, which the young girl had been so proud of was matted with dirt and blood, going out in all directions, but it wasn't just the victims J.J. couldn't get out of her head. It was the parents too. She and Hotch had talked to all of them that day and by the end she couldn't take it anymore. Some of them couldn't stop crying, mourning the loss of their child. Others were quiet or speechless. Each picked someone different to blame for what had happened, either themselves, their spouse, the world in general, or Hotch and J.J., the FBI for not catching the guy before he got to their child._

_It had been a tough day and at the end they had all decided to go out somewhere to eat, to forget the horrors they'd seen throughout the day if only for a few hours, but Jennifer Jareau hadn't joined them. She instead had gone back to the hotel, to the safety of her own room, claiming that she didn't feel good and just wanted to get to bed early. But sleep, she knew, was something that did not come easily anymore so she just walked in the room and sat on the bed, thinking about the girls, the parents, what had happened to them and eventually she let her mind wander to what could have happened to her that night in Georgia._

_What if I hadn't been able to fight off the dogs? What if Tobias had taken me instead of Reid? What if he'd taken me in addition to Reid? What if Reid hadn't survived? What if we'd gotten there just a little too late? Why didn't I follow him around the barn? Why did I let him decide to split up? If things had been different would I have ended up like those girls in the pictures from this case? Would Reid have ended up like them? And finally J.J. realized that she knew how they must have felt. She understood their fear and pain and she didn't want to. She wanted to forget what had happened. She wanted her life back and she wanted to feel like a normal person again, not someone damaged by nightmares, fear, and guilt. _

_J.J. got up slowly and walked over to her bag. With a shaking hand she opened it and took out a pocket knife. She couldn't explain why she had brought it with her, hell, she didn't even know why she had it in the first place, but what mattered then was that she did have it. J.J. took the knife into the bathroom and sat on the floor. She opened the knife and stared at it for a long time before finally running her fingers over the blade, feeling that it was there. She knew it was a bad idea, but it seemed to be calling her and happy that she had taken off her jacket when she came into the room leaving her with her white, short-sleeved shirt she'd been wearing throughout the day she took the knife and pressed the blade against her left arm, watching as small beads of blood formed around it. She made one cut, then another, careful to just go deep enough to bleed, just deep enough to feel the pain. And for the first time in a long time Jennifer Jareau forgot about barking dogs, old barns, and dead children._


	7. Chapter 7

**This is the longest chapter I have ever written for any story! Yay!!!! lol **

**I'm going to try to update about every other day, but I don't know how well that'll work...**

**Thanks to RedJewel2662, kdzl, , DeviousRobynno, and Shanananza for reviewing the last chapter!!! :)**

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 7

Jennifer Jareau stood, looking at herself in the mirror. It had been two days since that first night and she'd done it again both nights since. It was becoming her routine and that scared the shit out of her. What was worse was that she actually _liked_ it. She liked the feeling she got from it and the pain which took her mind off of everything else if only for a while.

The team wasn't any closer to catching their unsub than they were before they even got to Illinois, but when they all arrived at the police station that morning people were walking around frantically and talking so fast over the phone that it made the BAU members wonder how on earth the person on the other end was able to keep up. Detective Bowman walked up to them after running a hand through his graying hair and said. "Another girl is missing." He then led them into the room that had been set aside for the profilers use and after closing the door he pointed to a picture of a new little girl on the board in the room. "This is Kaylee Dawson." He said. "Her parents reported her missing this morning. She was taken from her front yard."

"Morgan and Prentiss come with the detective and me to talk to the parents and neighbors. Reid, I want you to stay here and see where the new abduction site fits in your geographic profile and J.J., you stay here; see what you can find out about Kaylee. Call Garcia and have her see if there's anything to connect her with the other girls." Hotch said, taking the lead, He knew something was off with J.J. and he hoped Garcia or maybe even Reid could get her to talk about what was bothering her.

CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM

It was a beautiful fall day Emily Prentiss thought as she and Hotch neared the Dawson home. The trees on both sides of the street had leaves in various stages of turning red, orange, and brown from their usual green and some yards were full of piles of raked leaves ready to be jumped into by small children, but Emily realized that they were all missing one thing. There were no kids to be seen down the entire length of the street. Mothers and fathers had yanked their children inside as soon as news of young Kaylee's disappearance had spread, giving the neighborhood a kind of deserted beauty.

Eventually the SUV came to a stop in front of a beautiful yellow house with well trimmed bushes by the steps leading to the front door and flowers by the sidewalk in front of a white picket fence. There was a rake laying in the yard near a half finished pile of leaves as well as several children's toys seemingly abandoned by their owner during the process of playing, but what separated this house from the others was the bright yellow crime scene tape which surrounded the fence announcing to the world that some form of injustice had occurred there. Emily and Hotch climbed out of the SUV and as they walked to the front of the house Emily looked down the street seeing Morgan and the detective who had already started canvassing the neighborhood, going from house to house looking for anyone who might have seen something. Once they reached the front door Hotch rang the doorbell.

The door opened slowly revealing a man with dark hair who looked to be about Emily's age. He hadn't been crying, but looked as though he could burst into tears at any moment. Hotch held up his badge. "I'm Agent Hotchner and this is Agent Prentiss." He said, gesturing towards Emily. "We're here to talk to you and your wife about your daughter, if that's ok with you." Mr. Dawson opened the door wide enough for the profilers to walk through. "Thank you." Hotch said as he passed the younger man.

Andrew Dawson closed the door after Emily and turned back towards them. He pointed down the short hall to a doorway. "She's in the living room." was all he said before leading the agents to the room where his wife was sitting. Once they got there they found a woman sitting on the couch surrounded by pictures of a little girl they knew to be Kaylee, their unsub's latest victim. She had been crying and silent tears were still making their way down her face as she looked up at the agents.

"She was just outside." Joy Dawson said, wiping tears from her eyes. "She was just there and now she's gone." Her husband then sat down next to her, wrapping an arm around her and attempting to comfort her, while avoiding looking at the pictures of his daughter.

"What was it that you needed to ask us?" Andrew asked, directing his question at Hotch and Emily.

"We know this is very difficult for you and we're very sorry for what has happened, but we were wondering if you could tell us everything that you can remember up until the time Kaylee disappeared." Emily said.

"She wanted to go outside and play."

"I promised her I'd rake up some leaves for her to jump in. She loves this time of year. The changing colors and the cooler weather…" Andrew trailed off after interrupting his wife.

"Did anything unusual happen today?" Hotch asked. "Did you notice anything out of the ordinary? A new car in the neighborhood? Someone you hadn't seen before walking up and down the street?"

"There was nothing. I asked Andrew to come inside just for a minute and she was gone. It's all my fault!" Joy said, before bursting into tears in her husband's arms, whose own silent tears had just begun to make their way down his face.

"It's not your fault, Mrs. Dawson, or your husband's. It's no one's fault other than the man who decided to take your daughter and I promise you that we are and will do everything we can to find her." Emily said, comfortingly.

"Thank you for your time." Hotch said, softly as he placed his card on the table in front of them. "Please call us if you think of anything else." Andrew nodded his response and Hotch and Emily left the house, meeting up with Morgan and Detective Bowman at the SUV.

"Get anything from the neighbors?"

"I think we've got a witness, Hotch."

CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM

Back at the police station J.J. had been talking to Garcia for over an hour, sifting through the lives of the three dead girls and comparing it to Kaylee's looking for any similarities or common things.

"I got nothing Jayje." Penelope Garcia's voice filled the room. J.J. looked up from the files she had been going through to stare at the phone that was sitting on the table.

"You sure?" She asked. "There's nothing?"

"Not a thing." The blonde tech replied. "I've run every search I can and as far as I know none of our girls ever crossed paths."

"Ok. Thanks, Garcia."

"No problem J.J. I hope you find her soon."

"Me too." J.J. said distractedly.

"You ok J.J.? You seem a little quiet…" She paused. "Distant."

Reid's ears perked up at the question and he looked up from his map to see J.J. glare at the phone before saying "I'm fine, Garcia." in a pleasant enough voice for Garcia to not notice how the question really affected her.

"Ok. If you need anything give me a call. I'm going to rerun all my searches and make sure there's nothing I missed." And with that Reid and J.J. heard the click of Garcia hanging up her phone.

J.J. pressed a button on the phone, disconnecting it from Garcia who was no longer there and went back to staring at her files after pushing some of her hair behind her ear, acting as though everything was fine, pretending nothing had happened and avoiding Reid's profiling eyes.

Finally, Reid got up and walked over to J.J., sitting in the chair next to her. "J.J." he started out softly and slowly. "I-I know you just told Garcia that you're fine." He managed to stammer out, suddenly overcome with nervousness. "But you don't seem fine. She's right, you have been acting differently and I just wanted you to know that you can talk to me." He received the same glare the telephone had gotten when Garcia asked a similar question, but looked her straight in the eyes, letting her know he meant what he said.

"I am fine." J.J. told Reid slowly, accentuating each word, trying not to lose her temper. "How many times are you and everyone else going to ask me that question before you finally accept the answer?!" She asked, her anger rising, as she stood and walked out the door after turning around and saying once more "I'm fine!"


	8. Chapter 8

**I had hoped to get this done yesterday, but I had more homework than I thought I would. **

**I was thinking about maybe making this JJ/Reid in the end. What do you guys think? Should I or not?**

**Thanks to and DeviousRobynno for reviewing the last chapter!!! :)**

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 8

"A witness?" Aaron Hotchner questioned Derek Morgan, a glimmer of hope suddenly coming back into the almost hopeless case.

"Yeah, a little boy from across the street saw a man walk up to Kaylee after her dad went inside and somehow convince her to go with him." Morgan replied.

"Is that all you got from him? Did he tell you what he looked like?" Hotch asked.

"We're having his mother bring him down to the station so he can sit with a sketch artist." Detective Bowman said as he, Hotch, Morgan, and Emily climbed into the SUV.

"Let's go see if Reid, J.J. and Garcia found anything." Hotch said as he started the vehicle and drove back towards the police station.

CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM

After J.J. left the room, claiming once again she was 'just fine' Spencer Reid had just sat there, wondering if he had done the right thing. He knew something was wrong with her and he just wanted her to know she could talk to him, like she used to do. He wanted to help her through whatever it was that seemed to have her world turned upside down.

She was no longer the same J.J. that Reid knew, that anyone knew. She used to be so full of energy and so happy all the time. Now, she looked and acted tired and it had been weeks since Reid had seen that smile of hers that could always put a smile on his own face as well as those of the rest of the team. He could remember countless times when he, Garcia, or even Morgan had gone to her when they needed to talk about something and there were times when she would go to either him or Garcia when she'd had a bad day. Now, she was quiet. She skipped nights out with the rest of the team and she never talked to any of them unless it had to do with a case. Reid was worried about her and he knew the others were too.

Hotch, Morgan, and Emily then walked through the door, interrupting Reid's thoughts.

"Hey, Reid did you find anything?" Morgan asked with a slight smile.

"No, but it looks like you did. What happened?" Reid replied, noticing the change in his teammate's behavior from before they left.

"We got a witness. A kid from across the street saw the man who took Kaylee. He's talking to a sketch artist right now."

"That's great." Reid said, still with somewhat of a frown on his face.

"Something wrong, Reid?" Hotch asked. "Where's J.J.?"

"I don't know." The young agent said. "I asked her what was wrong and why she'd been acting differently. I told her she could talk to me and she started yelling she was fine and walked out the door."

"You didn't see where she went?" Morgan asked, his happy demeanor gone, exchanged for a more worried one, concerned about his friend.

"No, she might have gone to the bathroom though."

"I'll go look for her." Emily volunteered.

CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM

J.J. had gone into the bathroom after leaving Reid. It was the obvious hiding place, but she didn't know where else to go. She had to get away from the questions and the profiling which was Reid's nature. She knew sooner or later someone would start asking questions, but she had always preferred to think of it as being later rather than sooner.

After walking through the door J.J. had taken off her jacket, laying it on the sink. The cool November days had suddenly turned to unusually warm weather and it was even hotter in the police station. As the rest of the team, with the exception of Hotch, had walked around in their short-sleeved shirts J.J. had kept her jacket on, using it to hide the scars and red lines on her arms, the evidence of her new found addiction.

J.J. leaned against the sink, putting her elbows on the edge and running her hands through her hair after looking at herself in the mirror. She knew it was getting worse. She was getting worse and she couldn't stop it. Sleep was impossible, cutting was inevitable and J.J. started to think that maybe it was time to tell someone, to get help. But who would she tell? Garcia? Emily? Hotch? Morgan? Reid? He'd already said she could talk to him, but would talking to any of them really even help? Didn't they still blame her for Georgia? Did they really even care about what she was going through or were they just trying to be nice?

J.J. didn't hear the door open as Emily Prentiss came in the room. The older woman watched as J.J. stood there seemingly lost in thought and she walked closer to her, slowly.

"J.J." Emily said softly, trying to get the blonde's attention, without startling her.

J.J. jumped at the sound of Emily's voice and that's when she saw it. Emily's eyes came to rest on the small cuts running horizontally on her friend's arms. "You ok, J.J.?" she asked. "Reid said you just walked out on him."

"I'm fine." J.J. said, going back to her now extremely over used phrase that had apparently become her favorite without her ever knowing.

Emily moved just a little closer and attempted to get a better look at J.J.'s left arm while asking "What happened to your arm J.J.?"

J.J., suddenly realizing what she was talking about, jerked away from Emily, moving her arm out of her friend's reach and sight. She turned quickly, grabbing her jacket and putting it on as fast as she could. "Nothing happened. I don't know what you're talking about." She said. "I'm fine." J.J. then walked past the older agent and out the bathroom door. She walked through the sea of local cops and into the room where Reid, Hotch, and Morgan still sat. "I'm…uh…going for a walk." She said, quickly to Hotch. "I have my phone if anything happens." And she walked out of the police station and onto the sidewalk where she took off walking in any direction that would get her away from the team and their questions which threatened to expose her deepest secrets.

CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM

Emily, after finally getting over the shock about what she thought her friend and coworker might be doing to herself, she left the bathroom and walked back to Hotch, Reid, and Morgan.

"Did you find her?" Morgan asked.

"Yeah, she didn't tell me anything though." Emily said, choosing to keep what she saw and what she was fairly sure it meant to herself for a while. "She just said she was fine and left."

"She said she's going on a walk now." Morgan said.

"Let's get back to work." Hotch told everybody, worried about J.J., but not wanting to just sit around and talk about her, while they still had a little girl to find.


	9. Chapter 9

**I had this done last night, but I wanted to have someone read it first. It is shorter than the last two, but I thought this was a good place to end it.**

**Thanks to ValleyGirlMeg, kdzl, missiemeghan, DeviousRobynno, and IllStandByYou87 for reviewing the last chapter!!! :)**

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 9

Jennifer Jareau kept running faster and faster away from the police station and her friends until finally she came to a secluded park. It was on a quiet road that came off of a somewhat busy street in a residential part of town and it was surrounded by woods on three sides. The bushes and weeds around the yellow and blue jungle gym and the benches were overgrown and the grass looked as though it hadn't been cut in years. There was a large slide seemingly covered by flowers, bushes, and weeds and J.J. could see monkey bars and swings in the distance. The park somehow reminded her of herself and ignoring her fear of the woods J.J. walked farther into it, seemingly being pulled by an unknown force telling her to sit down, rest, and stay a while.

J.J. made her way over to a bench and sat down, trying to catch her breath. It was then that she finally started to think about what had happened between her and Emily, why she'd run, and what the team must be thinking at that very moment. Would Emily have told them already what she saw? Would they come looking for her? Or did they just ignore her overreaction and go back to working the case? J.J. didn't know what she wanted the answers to any of these questions to be, but part of her wanted someone, anyone, to come look for her. To find her and make her tell them what's wrong so they could help her, and she wouldn't have to hide anymore. But, then again, the other part of her just wanted to be left alone, for them to stop asking questions and for them to maybe even stop caring altogether. The half that was hoping someone would come rescue her was winning though when she heard voices coming from the other end of the park which J.J. thought had been deserted.

"I wanna go home!" She heard a young girl cry.

"Play." Was a man's forcefull response as J.J. watched him push the girl towards a swing.

J.J. got up and moved to stand behind a slide where she could watch the park's only other visitors without being seen. The little girl looked to J.J. to be about six or seven years old. She had blonde hair and she was crying as the man pushed her on the swings. As she swung away from the man, the girl jumped from her swing and attempted to run away. J.J. watched as the young girl ran as fast as her legs would carry her only to be chased after and caught by the man. He picked her up and started to carry her back towards a van J.J. could now see. Suddenly J.J. realized who the girl was and what was going on. She reached for her gun while yelling, "Kaylee!" causing the man to turn around and start running faster and faster to his vehicle while the girl tried desperately to break free from his strong hold.

J.J. was chasing after them, but she wasn't fast enough and as he shoved the girl into the back of the van she could hear Kaylee screaming at her for help. The van sped away through a dirt road hidden in the trees and J.J. was left standing there with her gun. She got out her cell phone and hit the speed dial for Hotch.


	10. Chapter 10

**This one took me a little longer than I thought. I'm not sure excatly what I think about it yet so I hope you like it!**

**Thanks to DeviousRobynno for reviewing the last chapter!!! :)**

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 10

Back at the police station Brendon, the boy who had seen Kaylee being taken, had just finished talking to the sketch artist, explaining what he saw. Hotch and Emily were talking to the boy asking him if there was anything else that he could remember when Hotch's phone rang. He left the room and then came back.

"We gotta go." Hotch told Emily quickly, as he dragged her out of the room while telling a local cop to finish the interview.

"What's going on?" Emily asked, surprised at Hotch's sudden urgency. He just kept dragging her towards the front door of the police station. "Hotch." Emily said more forceful than before, while pulling her arm away from his grasp and stopping. "What happened?"

"J.J. saw the unsub." He said and then quickly added while walking away. "With Kaylee."

Emily ran to catch up to her boss and climbed in the SUV after him. "Where?" She asked.

"In a park." Was the simple response Hotch gave her as he sped away towards the park following Morgan and Reid.

CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM

J.J. had gone back to the bench she had been sitting at, waiting for the rest of the team to get there, while thinking about what she'd seen and what she could have done to save Kaylee instead of letting their unsub get away with her again. She knew she'd done all she could, but if it wasn't her fault then whose fault was it?

Finally J.J. saw the flashing blue and red lights of her teammates SUVs as they turned the corner and came racing towards her. The vehicles came to a screeching halt and both Morgan and Hotch left their lights flashing and engines running as they jumped out, followed by Reid and Emily. J.J. got up and walked towards her friends.

"What happened?" Emily asked.

"I just sort of ended up here." J.J. started. "I didn't think anyone else was here so I just sat down. After a couple minutes I could hear a little girl saying she wanted to go home and a man telling her to play. I watched them and when she tried to run away I realized who she was. It was Kaylee. He caught up with her and was carrying her back to his van when I yelled at him and started chasing him. He was too fast, too far away and I was afraid I'd hit Kaylee if I shot at him." J.J. looked into the faces of her friends. "I let him get away. I'm sorry." She said sadly before turning and walking away.

"It's not your fault, J.J." Hotch called after her, surprised that she would think it was.

"Then who's fault is it, Hotch?!" J.J. snapped back, after turning around. "No one else was here and it's my job to help put these guys away and save little girls just like Kaylee!" She was losing it and she knew it. She was breaking down right in front of them and she couldn't let that happen. First she lets their unsub get away and then she breaks down. What will they think of her? Will they think she can't do her job anymore? Will Hotch send her for a psych eval the first chance he gets and keep her out of the field until he thinks she can keep herself together again or will they all just pretend it never happened, letting it become just another item on the long list of things they never talk about?

Before another word could be spoken Emily walked over to J.J. and put her arms around the younger woman's shoulders, leading her to a nearby bench where they could talk. Morgan, Reid, and Hotch simply stared at each other for several moments, dumbfounded.

Finally Reid spoke up. "What is going on with her?" He asked, surprise and worry in his voice.

"I have no idea." Morgan stated, also adding "I'm going to see where this guys van would have been parked." and he began walking to the opposite side of the park, towards a gap in the trees where it looked as though a trail might be located.

Meanwhile, Emily was trying to get J.J. to talk. The blonde had forced her tears back, willing herself not to cry and she now sat staring at Emily, waiting for the interrogation she was sure to come to start.

"You going to be ok?" was the first question to come out of Emily's mouth.

"Yeah. Thanks." was J.J.'s only response.

"I'm not going to try to make you tell me something you don't want to J.J., but you can talk to me. You know that, right?" J.J. merely looked away and seeing that as the only answer she'd be getting to her question Emily continued. "I'm pretty sure of what I saw back at the station and you don't have to talk to me, but you need to talk to someone. We can't help you if we don't know what's wrong, J.J." She finished as she got up and walked away to join Morgan and Hotch.

For several seconds J.J. remained sitting on the bench, wondering exactly how much Emily had seen in that police station bathroom and what she must think of her now. Eventually, J.J. rose and after crossing her arms across her chest she went to catch up with the rest of the team. Reid soon joined her, falling into step right alongside her. He looked down at her and while profiling her movements and reactions asked "Are you alright?"

"I'm ok." J.J. said, and after looking up and seeing his hurt expression at her earlier outburst and the cold, distant way she'd been acting she added "Thanks, Spence." and quickened her pace, leaving him behind her.


	11. Chapter 11

**I didn't have someone read this before I put it up here like I usually do. I did read it like a million times first though so I think it's ok! lol**

**Thanks to kdzl, missiemeghan, and DeviousRobynno for reviewing the last chapter!!! :)**

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 11

They searched for Kaylee the rest of the day. The BAU profilers and local police force looked for any signs of the young girl, her captor, or the van which he used to take her away from her family and which he would eventually use to dump her lifeless body just like he'd done with the others if they didn't catch him soon. Although they now had two witnesses to his crimes their unsub continued to elude them. J.J. had seen his van, had seen his face even, but it didn't help narrow down their search much. There could be hundreds of white vans in the city and surrounding areas and J.J. hadn't been able to see a license plate which made it seem even more as though they were looking for a needle in a hay stack or more specifically like looking for a particular needle in a pile of needles as Reid had once said.

Once the team had run out of leads, places to look, and people to talk to Hotch decided to call it a day and let everyone get some rest. Morgan picked out a local resturant for them to eat at and once again J.J. didn't join them. She needed some time to think, to figure out what she was going to do with the mess she'd managed to turn things into. She'd gone back to their hotel, to the safety of her own room, where she could do whatever she wanted and not have someone watching, telling her what to do or what not to do.

Not a word of J.J. was spoken as her friends ate. Not many words were spoken at all with each person thinking to themselves about the case, how they would ever find Kaylee in time, and their own opinions about what J.J. was going through. When Reid got up from their table saying he'd be right back Emily followed him to the short hallway that led to the men and women's restrooms and waited. The young doctor was surprised to find her waiting for him when he came out, but his surprise turned to curiosity and then to worry as Emily started to speak.

"I need to talk to you." She said. "About J.J." She then proceeded to tell him about what she'd seen and how concerned she was about their friend. "I just thought I should tell someone so there would be two people that could watch her. At least one of us is bound to be with her when we're on cases and I don't know if she'll ever come around to talking to me, but you've known her longer and I'm sure she'd rather talk to a friend than someone she barely knows."

"Thanks for telling me Emily, but do you really think she'd want to talk to me of all people?" Reid squeaked, certain that in her time of need J.J. would not want to deal with him and his social awkwardness.

Emily couldn't help but laugh at the genius's obvious fear at just talking to their blonde media liaison even if it was a difficult subject she'd hoped their talking would include. "Reid, I've seen the way you two act around each other, at least before this whole thing started…whatever it is. You guys are friends. She trusts you." She said, to which Reid just raised an eyebrow.

"You really think so?" He asked.

"Yeah, she may even like you more than you think. We just have to get the old J.J. back to find out." She hinted before walking away.

Reid's eyes grew larger at Emily's statements and he just stood there for a couple minutes before returning to their table where the silence had been broken and Hotch and Emily were laughing at something Morgan had said. Reid sat down and continued eating where he'd left off, thinking about J.J., what she was doing, what was wrong, and what he'd say to her when the time came to finally talk to her.

CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM

Jennifer Jareau was sitting on the end of her bed. She had been since she walked through the door of her hotel room which meant she'd been staring at the television for over two hours. As yet another commercial interrupted her show selling another pointless kitchen accessory that _'you just couldn't live with out' _J.J. let herself fall backwards onto the mattress and stared up at the ceiling. The room was dark except for the light emanating from the TV and as the commercial reached the point where the salesman said _'But wait! We'll give you two! A forty dollar value for only nineteen ninety five!'_ J.J. let her fingertips dance across the cuts and newly formed scars on her arm, lightly tracing each one, feeling it was there, and remembering when she had made it.

By the time the man had reached the end of his sales pitch ending it with _'If you don't absolutely love it send it back for a full refund!'_ she had tuned everything else out completely thinking about the fact that she hadn't done it yet today, she hadn't cut and as good as it sounded, wanting to focus on pain rather than the fact that she let an unsub get away or that she'd have to talk to Emily sometime because she _knew_, J.J. needed to know that she could go a day without it. She could stop if she wanted. She _could_ she told herself over and over again, but then flashes of Kaylee, the unsub, and the other dead girls went through her mind triggering more images. These of blood, barns, dogs, cornfields, and Reid dying on a computer screen only to be revived seconds later by the very man who had killed him. J.J. sat up reaching for her bag, for the one thing she knew could comfort her, the one thing that could make those thoughts go away.

Before J.J. added to her rapidly growing collection cuts one more picture flashed through her mind. The image of Emily's surprised and concerned face.


	12. Chapter 12

**Sorry its taken me so long to update! We had finals at school and you'd think they'd give us less homework around finals, but they gave us more and Christmas was crazy! **

**I'm back to writing this again though so hopefully I'll be able to get back to updating regularly!**

**Thanks to kdzl and DeviousRobynno for reviewing the last chapter!!! :)**

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 12

Spencer Reid was standing by the coffee machine near the front of the police station, attempting to create something edible out of the terrible police force coffee by adding even more sugar than usual to it. A secretary who was filling her own mug with the brown concoction stared in disbelief at him as he continued to add spoonful after spoonful of sugar to his beverage. The woman just shook her head, quietly mumbling to herself as she walked away when the young doctor finally put down the spoon and took a sip of his drink.

Reid watched as a middle-aged woman walked in the door and after looking around the bullpen for a certain local cop she walked up to him, calling his name as she did.

"Matt!" She yelled at the young, red-headed cop, causing him to jump and turn around in surprise.

"What are you doing her?" He asked exasperated.

"I've had it with him! I can't take it anymore and if you won't listen to me I'll find someone else who will, Matthew! I know what I'm hearing!" She said.

The young cop put his arm around her, attempting to quiet her down while looking for some help from his friends, only to find that they all had run away as soon as she had called his name. "Aunt Aurora, I'm sure there's nothing wrong. I've talked to Sam. You were even there! Maybe you should just go back home. I can have mom stay with you." He said as if he were talking to a seven year old.

The woman who Reid now knew to be Aurora pushed the man's arm of her shoulder while saying "I don't need a babysitter, Matthew! If you won't listen to me I'm going to find someone around here who will!"

It was then that Reid decided to step in. He put his coffee on the table and walked towards them. "Excuse me." He said. "Is there something I can help you with ma'am?"

She looked at Reid and smiled before tossing a look over her shoulder at Matt that caused him to roll his eyes. "I think you might be able to help to help young man." She said. "Are you a police officer?"

"I'm with the FBI. We're here working on the kidnapping case." Reid replied, while showing her his badge.

"You're exactly the person I need to talk to then!" She told him with a smile before waving her nephew away and following Reid to an interview room.

After closing the door to the small room and sitting across from the woman at the metal table in the center of the room Reid asked "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well my neighbor, Sam Howard, has been acting strangely for months! And sometimes I can even hear screaming coming from his house." She added in a voice that sounded as though she came right out of a horror movie while raising her eyebrows.

"What do you mean by strangely?" Reid asked, intrigued by her story, but also wondering if maybe she was as crazy as her nephew's reaction to her had implied.

"I never see him around anymore, he's got at least two week's worth of newspapers on his front lawn and there's always some kind of noise coming from his house! It's always either loud music or his crazy dogs barking and when it's neither one of those it's screaming. I think he plays the music to try and cover it up, but it doesn't work."

"What does the screaming sound like? Is it a man or a woman screaming?" He asked.

"It sounds like a little girl." She said, before adding "I told my nephew and he went over to Sam's house one day and asked him about it and he just said I was crazy. I'm not crazy! You have to believe me!" Her voice rose with the last sentence and she leaned over the table, hoping that Reid would believe her.

The gears in Reid's mind were turning. He wondered if this woman's neighbor could actually be their unsub. Suddenly he asked "What does your neighbor drive?"

"A van. A big white van."

Now the young profiler was really thinking. What are the odds that a man who owned the same type of vehicle J.J. saw the unsub in and had a young girl's screams coming from his house wasn't their unsub? But Reid had to be sure. "When did Sam start acting differently?" He said quickly. "Was there a major event in his life that happened right before?"

"Well, now that you mention it, I guess it all started after his daughter, Lindsay, died."

"How did she die?"

"He took her camping. She wandered off into the woods and there were some wild dogs, wolves I guess, and they attacked her. It was terrible! They just tore the poor girl apart before he could get to her. She died on the way to the hospital." Aurora finished sadly.

"How old was she? What did she look like?" Reid couldn't get the words out fast enough. He knew they had their guy.

"About six. Blonde hair, blue eyes. The most beautiful little girl you'd ever see."

Reid just barely missed knocking over his chair as he stood up as quickly as possible. "I think you're neighbor is the man we're looking for. Come with me. We need to let my boss know what's going on." He said as he grabbed Aurora by the arm and practically drug her out the door and to the conference room where the rest of the team was. He burst through the doorway with her right behind him and interrupted Hotch saying "We got him. I know who the unsub is!"

Hotch, Morgan, Emily, J.J. all just stared at a smiling Reid. Finally, Morgan broke the silence. "What are you talking about Reid? And who do you have with you?" He asked gesturing towards Aurora, to which she just smiled at him, happy to be noticed.

"This is Aurora…" Reid just looked at the older woman, suddenly realizing he'd never even asked her what her last name was.

"Grimmet." She replied. "Aurora Grimmet."

"Right." He said suddenly picking up speed. "Her neighbor is our unsub. His daughter died from being attacked by dogs. She looked like our victims and she was the same age as most of them. He drives a white van. And she can hear a little girl's screaming coming from his house!" He gestured to Aurora as being the 'she' that could hear screaming. "This is our guy, Hotch! Sam Howard. We gotta go get him!" Reid said and headed out the door while trying to catch his breath.

Morgan chased after the young genius. "Wait a second, Reid. How can you be so sure? What if we're wrong?"

"We're not wrong Morgan. Trust me!" Reid and Morgan both looked back at Hotch for some sort of instructions on what they were do to. He was talking quietly to Aurora and suddenly he looked up at them.

"Let's go." He said sternly after having her write the address down.


	13. Chapter 13

**It has taken me _forever _to get this up here and I'm soo sorry for that!!! And I know this one is kinda short, but I'm going to start on writing the next chapter right now! I promise! :)**

**Thanks to missiemeghan, Sue1313, and DeviousRobynno for reviewing the last chapter!**

**And a big thanks to my friend Kaylee for helping me get started on this again when I was stuck! **

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 13

The flashing lights and sirens of the multiple black SUVs, police cars, and ambulances disrupted the quiet nature of the neighborhood in which Sam Howard and Aurora Grimmet lived. The vehicles all came to a screeching halt in front of a large, white house. Newspapers littered the front yard and the bushes were now overgrown which were the outward signs of Mr. Howard's devolving fascination and hobby of recreating his daughters death and forcing other parents to feel his pain.

After jumping from one of the SUVs Jennifer Jareau cringed as she looked upon the house of the man who had caused so many families pain and heartbreak. She hoped he was home and she hoped they weren't too late for Kaylee. J.J. quickly strapped on the FBI vest Morgan tossed to her and listened as Hotch told everyone what they were to do once inside the house. Local cops would surround the outside and check the small garage and inside the locals that were left and the profilers would split up with some going upstairs and some to the basement.

As everyone went to their assigned positions, preparing to put their plan into action the group of dogs they were told Sam kept in a pen behind his house began to bark crazily and a group of children who had been playing basketball across the street stared in awe as Hotch signaled to Morgan to kick down the front door and dozens of law enforcement officers rushed into the building. Hotch and Reid ended up going upstairs while Morgan, J.J., and Emily made their way through the first floor and towards the door to the basement. They could hear as each room throughout the house was labeled as "Clear!" and Morgan was the first to descend the dark stairs leading to the basement.

Once down the stairs Emily and Morgan made their way through the darkened room, hoping to find Kaylee alive and not run into Sam in the dark. Finally, J.J. caught a glimpse of what looked to be blonde hair in the far corner of the room and ran towards it, reaching the unconscious little girl as Morgan found the light switch and illuminated the room.

Kaylee's eyes were closed and her breathing shallow. J.J. could tell at once that the young girl had been beaten and the next few moments seemed to fly past her as Morgan yelled up the stairs to Hotch that they hadn't found Sam, but they did have Kaylee and she was going to need the ambulance. The young EMTs quickly took Kaylee away and the team followed them outside to watch her be loaded in the ambulance and taken away.

After watching the ambulance's lights fade into the distance Hotch began to instruct the locals on how to handle the house and what they were going to do in order to find Sam. His van was in the driveway, but the search of his home and property hadn't revealed him.

"J.J. call Garcia and see if she can track him any where. Have her see if his credit cards have been used and if she can track him through his cell phone." Hotch instructed before all hell broke loose and the entire street erupted in noise as screams peirced the air and two gunshots rang out quickly followed by another.

The last thing J.J. remembered was the sharp pain in her shoulder before blackness overcame her and she collapsed, falling into Reid's arms.


	14. Chapter 14

**I surprised myself with how fast I got this one done! lol**

**Thanks to kdzl for reviewing the last chapter!!! :)**

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 14

J.J. opened her eyes slowly, blinking at the sudden intrusion of bright light from the sun. "What happened?" She managed to mumble out to anyone who was nearby.

Both Emily and Reid were quickly at her side, each with a hand on her back, helping their friend into a sitting position on the edge of the ambulance.

"You were hit J.J." Reid said softly. "You fainted right after."

"Hit?! What do you mean I was hit? By who?" J.J. asked, her mind still foggy from the events that had happened only minutes ago.

"Apparently they didn't check the yard good enough." Emily said, rolling her eyes and quickly glaring at the two rookie cops who had been given one simple job, but still managed to fail miserably at it. "Howard heard us coming and hid in the bushes. He came out shooting."

"Morgan saw him as soon as he saw you go down. He shot him Jayje. Sam Howard won't hurt anyone else. He's dead now." Reid said.

"Oh." was the only response J.J. could give while the information she had just been given soaked in. Her thoughts were quickly interrupted by the young ambulance driver who had bandaged up her shoulder.

"Good, you're awake!" He said, walking towards her to examine her once more just to be certain she wouldn't need to go to the hospital.

Emily dragged Reid out of the man's way and around to the other side of the ambulance where they could talk without being heard. She looked at him and he could see the fear and sadness in her eyes as she asked "You'll talk to her, right?" Reid's face became one of nervousness and worry as he turned his head, glancing back in the direction he knew their media liaison was. "Reid!" Emily said, bringing his attention back to her. "She doesn't want to talk to me, but I know she'll talk to you. She trusts you. You saw her arms back there, I know you did!" She said, begging him to listen to her. "We have to help her. You have to help her." She finished.

"I'll talk to her." Reid finally said. "But I really don't think I'm the one she'd want to talk with." And with that he walked back around the ambulance to find Morgan and Hotch now talking to J.J. who had put her coat back on, covering the lines on her arms that she knew would give her secret away. As he watched her interact with two of their friends he began to notice how forced her smiles looked from far away and how her laughter was missing that special something in it that had made it all her own and he wondered how long all of it had really been going on, how long she'd been pretending and how long it'd taken all of them to finally realize she was hurting.

"Earth to Reid!" Morgan shouted, breaking the genius from his thoughts. "We're leaving. Are you coming with us or are you just gonna stand there all night?" Reid looked up to see Morgan standing next to Hotch, J.J. and Emily. The street was beginning to clear out as the cops finished their jobs and went home.

The BAU team headed towards their SUVs and made their way back to their hotel for their last night's stay in Illinois and Reid knew that this night was as good as any to confront J.J. so he decided he'd wait a couple hours once they got back and then he'd go to her room and talk to her.


	15. Chapter 15

**Thanks to Sue1313 and DeviousRobynno for reviewing the last chapter!!! :)**

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 15

They'd been back for two hours and twenty four minutes. Spencer Reid's mind was in overdrive and he had to force himself to not count the seconds that they'd been back as well. He knew he needed go talk to J.J. before it got too late and she went to bed, but he'd attempted to walk across the hall three times already and only on the last time did he even get halfway out the door. Finally, after looking at the clock again did he gather up enough courage to get up and walk out the door. How he managed to get all the way across the hall he had no idea, but he suddenly found himself knocking on her door.

Jennifer Jareau opened her door quickly and as Reid stated that he needed to talk to her and walked through the doorway as she stepped aside he was suddenly reminded of the night in Ohio when he'd gone to talk to Elle. She had been his friend and he'd been hurt by the fact that he'd been there willing to talk to her, but she'd still chosen to track down Lee that night. Track him down and kill him. And then lie about it to the rest of the team. Reid looked around the room and then back at J.J., happy to see she wasn't drinking and he reminded himself that she wasn't Elle and he wasn't going to let her end up like Elle had.

"What is it that you wanted to talk about?" J.J. asked while crossing her arms.

"Emily told me, J.J." He said, to which she just stared at him, her eyes growing larger before she put the mask back on and said.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She was back to being the same J.J. that was always 'fine' and her face showed very little emotion even to the seasoned profiler.

"I saw your arms today. I saw the scars and the newer cuts." He said quietly. "I just want to help you, J.J. Please talk to me."

"I said I don't know what you're talking about!" J.J. shouted at him, waving her arms before motioning towards the door. "I think you should leave." She said.

"J.J…"

"Get out, Reid!"

He was about to give up, about to walk away when he saw it. A small drop of red on her shirt. One that hadn't been there earlier in the day so instead of walking out the door he walked closer to her and she didn't protest as he gently grabbed her arm and pushed the sleeve of her shirt up revealing two fresh cuts, one of them still barely bleeding. Reid looked at her, looked her straight in the eye and asked the only question that came to his mind.

"Why?" He said.

She was doing her best not to cry, to keep the tears in and her friend out, but one lonely tear managed to escape and make its way down her face as she said. "Kaylee. They said she probably wouldn't make it." Finally she looked up and her eyes met his. "We were too late." More tears came silently.

"Hey." Reid said soothingly, placing his hand on the side of her face, attempting to brush some of her tears away. "We don't know anything for sure yet. She could be just fine."

"Or she could die." J.J. replied quietly, before pulling away from his touch and walking to the other side of the room, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Reid followed her sat down beside her. "Yeah, but this" He said gesturing towards her arm. "Is not the right way to deal with it."

"I know." came her barely audible response.

"Then why do you keep doing it? When did you start?"

"The beginning of this case." She said. "I know I shouldn't and at first it was just something I did, but then it became more." Tears she didn't know she was holding came running down her face as she finished. "It grew into something so much more than just something to do every once in a while when things would really get to me. It became an addiction, Spence, and now I can't stop."

Spencer Reid pulled a crying Jennifer Jareau into a hug and only then, when no one else could see, did he let a tear escape and fall down his face.


	16. Chapter 16

**It has been FOREVER since I updated! Sorry!!!! Things have gotten a little crazy for me and this story is very personal which makes it difficult to write at times. I literally just finished this chapter and I'm sorry it's so short! Please tell me what you think! It's been so long that I feel like I'm starting all over again. I may change some of this later depending on what you think, I really don't know. Also I'd like to know if you want me to continue with this story or end it here? Please let me know! **

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed previous chapters!!! :] **

From Darkness to Light

A CM fanfic

Chapter 16

Jennifer Jareau watched as drops of rain seemed to race each other down the window of the SUV that was taking her and the rest of the team to the airport. They were on their way back home and that morning at breakfast Hotch had announced to the team that Kaylee would be ok. It would take some time and she would have to stay in the hospital for a while, but she'd make it.

J.J. and Reid had talked for quite some time the night before and she did feel a little better just knowing that someone knew, cared, and wanted to help. She realized that morning how stupid cutting last night really was and she knew she wanted to stop, but she also knew that it would be hard. Very hard. She'd made up her mind and was determined to see how long she could go without it.

They arrived at the airport and boarded the plane as light rain continued to fall. Reid gave J.J. a small smile as he sat down next to her away from the rest of the team who were all talking and laughing amongst themselves.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Yeah." She replied. "I'm doing pretty good so far."

The plane took off and throughout the flight they continued to talk about anything and everything. Reid wanted to distract her from cases and work. She'd been distant from them for so long it was strange at first, but as soon as he saw the real smile that she'd been faking for months he knew she'd be ok in time.


	17. Author's Note

**I think I'm going to end this story here for now. I may add more later or even make the rest a sequel, but right now I just can't finish it out through J.J.'s recovery and everything. This story is just a little too close to home right now which is making it increasingly harder to write. Thanks to _everyone_ who's read it and everyone who's reviewed! I'm very sorry that it has to end here because I know you wanted it to continue. I haven't forgotten about it though and I'll continue to keep it in my mind so eventually I can finish it.**


End file.
